Used
by Akai Naiya
Summary: Maybe I should have not thought about it, but I did and here I am again thinking that maybe I could try harder.
1. Prologue

Maybe thinking that things would turn out for the best was not the best idea. I hoped too much and depended entirely too much on him. Maybe I should have not thought about it, but I did and here I am again thinking that I could try harder. Am I even making any sense? Maybe…


	2. Destroyed

I had found myself thinking lately about him. I knew what I did was wrong, but my curiosity had gotten the better of me and everything got out of control. It was several weeks ago that it happened. He had left as he usually did without saying a word while I was asleep.

I woke up several hours later to find I was alone again. It was not that abnormal for this to happen considering the past and how many times this kind happened I was grateful if he came back. Silence filled the room and what I knew was coming came. I was depressed again and nothing I knew would save me. I decided that day to get up and move around as nearly too impossible as it was I managed.

Walking into the kitchen I found the usual note that was taped to the fridge saying he was out and would be back soon no I love you or anything like that. We just didn't have that kind of relationship at least that's what he told me even though it seemed as though it could work if we tried hard enough, but trying was not option. No, not with Mello it wasn't.

I scratched my head and leaned up against the counter cigarette between both fingers, lighter in the other hand, and a scowl. People had frequently told me when I was young that it took more energy to frown than to smile, but today I felt as though that was not true. Today I felt depressed. I knew though he would be back so why was I feeling like this. I also knew what would happen as soon as he got back, but no matter how much I knew this was true I just did not want to admit it out loud.

Damn…I wished so much that I had had my own independence, but where, where would I be if I did? Dead maybe? Mello had told me countless times that I should be grateful for everything that I had, but here I am thinking only of the bad. I only knew bad and if I had known today would be the day that I would become acquainted with the bad and the evil then possibly I would have stayed in bed? Yeah Right.

**Hope that wasn't too shabby. I was pressed for time. Review?**


	3. Beginning

The good and the bad exactly what are they and how can we avoid them?

I sat down on the couch looking at the time. I had called Light wondering why Mello still was not back. It was nearly five o'clock in the morning and he still had not called as he usually did. I knew that I was just being paranoid, but I could not help the fact that I worried about him. I watched, no I longed for Mello's every movement that no matter what he did I was sure to notice. There was no mistaking it I was hooked.

I heard a knock on the apartment door jumping up I almost cried out Mello's name before I realized that if it was Mello he would not have knocked he would have just walked in. cursing under my breath I opened the door and let Light in.

"Hey, I've called his phone and still there is no sign of him."

I stared down at the stained carpet beginning to doubt all that I had believed was Mello. Looking up I stared at Light solemnly.

"You think he's alright?"

"He's Mello. I'm one hundred percent sure he's okay." He assured shutting the door behind him. He walked over to the couch and plopped down. I watched as he took out his phone, "I can try him again if that would make you feel better."

I shook my head,

"No I think it would be best if I just waited on him. He'll be back I know he will. Mello always comes back to me."

I began to wonder that day if I had truly believed that or if I was just hoping that somehow my words would get to him. I am not quite sure, but I did know that if Mello was gone I could not function alone, not by myself. Mello was my essence Mello was what made me tick.

"You sure? I don't mind waiting here with you." Light looked up at me shoving his phone back into his pocket. I stared at him for a moment. It wouldn't hurt if Light were to stay here would it? It couldn't hurt. I certainly could not stay here all by myself that was for sure. If I continued to do that, I knew just where it would get me. Smiling I nodded my head.

"If you don't mind, I would like that."

That was the first night I spent without Mello and if he were to find out it would be the last. Shaking my head, I pushed the thought out of my mind. I was just waiting for him that was all. It wouldn't hurt right? Mello would probably be back by morning anyway right?

Leaning back I laid my head against the sofa arm and closed my eyes. That was the first step to the biggest mistake I would make.

**Review? Pleeeze I wants to know what you think. **


	4. Forever

Mistakes they are not on purpose right? That is why they call them mistakes right? I thought about this perplexed. Sitting here alone was the last thing I had wanted, but here I was. Alone. Exactly what I had tried so hard to avoid. How come though? I wanted more than anything to understand why it was that I was so dependent on his presence. Mello was nothing more than a companion a friend so what was it?

I looked over at Light who was sound asleep. I had no idea of what he was thinking about. In fact thinking on it I did not know him very well. It was just a month ago that I had met him, but it was not like I knew him.

He rolled over on his side taking up the entire space of the couch. He was in no way like Mello. In fact he was the exact opposite of Mello. Shaking my head I pushed the thought out. Light was here because Mello wasn't right? Was that really all. It had to be Mello meant so much more to me than anybody else did and I could never let anyone take his place no matter what happened. No matter what…We were always…Forever right? So why was I thinking about Light?


	5. Light

Love can be unclear, confusing, and most of all degrading. It's the time you realize your feelings that everything begins to end. Actions put into motion, as one is drove by lust and desire to do the unthinkable. Loosing yourself in this cycle can be dangerous as you weed out the feelings of the other. Doing your best to hold together a relationship that may not last and for what? Disappointment that only leads to destruction.

Mello called early this morning the one day I found that maybe not only is love blind, but inseparable. I did everything that day to see clearly, but how in such a short amount of time had I come to fall in love with him. I did not understand I did not want to understand. If I could, I would take it back. I for would forget about it all.

"You alright?" Light stood there in the doorway of the bathroom, towel in hair, toothbrush in mouth, and shirtless. I felt my face begin to heat up the longer he stood there. Therefore, making myself busy I began to make the bed.

"Y-yes." I lied feeling the pit of my stomach drop two inches not in agony, but in fear. Light what did he mean to me now? I had no way of knowing or perhaps I had not wanted to know. The answer frightened me greatly. I knew deep down what it was I had felt and it was realizing it that would take me time to do.

Copping a glance over my shoulder, I glanced at him as he dried his hair messing it up slightly causing me to release a giggle. He turned in my direction quickly giving me his full attention, which made me jump a little.

"Matt?" His eyes stared at me the look he held grabbing a hold of me and pulling. I wanted to run that afternoon. Oh, god how I wanted to run. This was not what was supposed to happen. Things were supposed be between me and Mello and only me and Mello. So, why did I allow it to happen?

"Matt are you alright?"

I looked up at him. Was he really concerned about me? Nodding my head quickly I brushed past him. I had to forget the idea that I had fallen for him. It wasn't true to begin with and I knew I loved Mello more than anything. More than I loved myself. Mello was the world and everything above it to me. There was no one else. No one…

"Have you called him?" I questioned swallowing down every emotion I had gotten in that moment trading it for simple assurance that told me it was nothing more than a feeling. A feeling that would go away as soon as I saw Mello. I believed that I truly did know it then.

"Yeah." He dug the device out of his pocket flipping it open. "No, he hasn't called me back."

I nodded walking out of the bedroom and into the living room. Sitting down on the couch, I pulled my legs up to my chest resting my chin on my knees. Not much went through my head that day. Letting out a breath I caste my eyes down towards the carpet.

"Cheer up. From what you told me about your friend, it sounds like he can take care of himself. He'll be back."

Mello would have liked to hear that. He was a prideful man full of ambition and determination. Nothing could have stopped him. Smiling I nodded my head looking back down. The smile slowly began to fade as I thought about it.

I only cared about him that's why…

"B-but I want to help him so much. He just won't let me, and it kills me! I know. Mello has never wanted anyone's help before in fact, he detests it, but I have been in love with him ever since I was a kid. it's just not—"

Eyes opened wide confusion burning in the bottom of my stomach an ominous feeling arose inside of me. That was the day, the moment, the time; the sky fell on top of me.

**Sucks I know, but I was pressed for time and tried to write this as fast as I could I'm sorry. **


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